I am here to check in on this rainy dreary Friday Afternoon. And I wish I didn't feel so rainy and dreary but I do. There is something really important that I need to talk about and it isn't rainbows and unicorns.
I am down, sad and slightly depressed. I guess a big part of me has always judged my worth on how I look and how I feel I look. And right now I feel like a rhino. A hippo. An elephant. A whale. A beached whale. Name a big giant lazy animal and that is how I feel. Only, I am not lazy. I work hard.
I work really hard. I eat right. I eat clean. I measure my food. I work out everyday but Sunday. Sometimes twice a day. I raised my weights, I run more. I run faster. But I am still a whale. A beached whale. My scale is going up. My clothes are not loose. I dont have an appetite. I have bad headaches. I drink coffee. I dont crave sugar anymore so that is a good thing. I really dont crave anything actually. Except being thin. But I will never be thin again. As I am a whale. I am a middleaged short dumpy whale. And it will never change. I will never be tall and willowy. Or blonde and tight muscled. Or thin and beautiful. I will always be how my genetics want me to be. And it is short and fat. And dumpy and whale like. And I dont know what to do to change it. Do I workout more? Do i eat less?Do I stop eating?
I dont even like food anymore. I just eat it to follow my "plan". The one that is supposed to be working for me. The one that seems to work for everyone else.
I read: " I lost 10 lbs! I weigh so much less. I am so strong. I look so great. I have muscles. I feel great"
And none of this is true for me. I lose nothing. I dont feel stronger. I dont have muscles. I have fat and jiggle. And blubber.
You would feel this way too if you used to look like this:
|sz 4 2009 before Ana|
I think there is something wrong with me. I really do. I cannot lose weight. I cannot get thin. I am a whale. The harder I work, the less I eat the more I gain. The more I weigh. It makes me sad.
I talked with Duncan about this and he thinks I should talk to someone about body issues. And, maybe I should. I know I have pressure to be thin, IF and a big IF i ever go back to work again.I have to be thin. Or thinner. Or just give in and play the fat girl. The funny fat chick. But I am not funny. And I am not used to being fat. And this is my headshot (preAna):
In the meantime, I did do my measurements. and there was a little movement. I did not go on the scale. It is not a good week to go on the scale and I told D to hide them. I am done with the scale. I will not stop until I fit into my clothes and I am skinny again so it doesnt matter what that dumb machine tells me. I have a cute DVF summer dress in a size 4 and THAT will tell me when I am good. SO no more scale. I am done with it.
Here are my measurements for my 4th week. Not too much movement. But a little:
So thats it. That is my check in. I wish I had some inspiring words. I wish I could tell you I feel great, and that I look great. But I cannot. And some weeks, It is just going to be like this.
Have a great weekend,